Can I ask you all a question??? Do little tiny wriggling creatures ever overwhelm you???? You know the ones? NITS…Nasty Idiots That Stink, infesting the hair of your children! I DO! Let me explain, my Little Miss Foxy cub has been struck THREE times this summer!!!! FFS I feel like it is me against the millions. Leave us alone S*%#!heads! I’d like to state enough is enough, NO MORE!!! The little b-tards are sucking the life out of me. Consequently over the past sixteen years, three kiddies later I have come to the revelation about…NITS & the 6 stages of…mental torture… this it is not too dissimilar to grieving or drug rehabilitation.
THE 6 STAGES…
- Stage (1)-OBSERVATION… You know that tight feeling you notice your little angel scratching their head. You know it don’t you?
- Stage (2)-DENIAL…. NO, no nits here… clean as a whistle…”No sweetie when you stay at your cousin’s please don’t touch your head…Just don’t!!! Promise I’ll buy you some play dough!!!” To ensure this I seize the brush, conditioner, varnish hairspray and I proceed to scrape her tangled hair into the firmest French braid ever … Poor Little Miss Foxy with her tight and well-sealed helmet of hair…in fact, I would say that if I joined her my wrinkles would be gone and I could pass for thirty!!!
- Stage (3)-DEPRESSION… The tingle has increased to an itch…MY F@#*ing head’s on fire… ME…..NOOOOOO!
- Stage (4)-REVENGE …That’s it…. WAR…I need supplies. THE PHARMACY…my saving grace… What has happened???…With my first little darling, there were only two products on the market from the highly toxic to the gentle greenie type. NOW, now it’s a like a Pandora’s box of NIT delights …everyone has jumped onto the NIT phenomenon. Products that unstick the eggs, which smell nice and kill in seconds whilst frying your child’s scalp, leave in products that suffocate, yellow creams, small bottles of organic oils, natural allergy free and artificial with pretty bottles that are packaged into sets. It doesn’t end there… the comb! Combs with three rows of metal teeth, bright coloured robotic plastic combs, even long handled and short combs??? OMG, I am so confused?? This is a situation for total overload resulting in Mama mental shutdown, It’s mental torture. The bright vivacious pharmacy assistant skidding up beside me brings me back to reality with a loud crack and proceeds to annoyingly kindly provide me with her wealth of NIT knowledge… … (WTF)…I can’t bear it anymore…SO I going for the most toxic…bad mother with the brightest packaging that’s on the shelf that promises DEATH instantaneously or that’s what I believe!
- Stage (5)-THE ATTACK… There she is scratching away. There they are in their millions waiting, waiting for me to act. On goes the toxic lotion, in go the fingers …massage at high speed. Eyes are watering, tears falling, screams are heard. The shower cap on. Tick-Toc, Tick-Toc ten minutes later shower cap off. Into the shower shampoo on, shampoo off, conditioner in, more conditioner in. Eucalyptus oil in, massage, massage. Finally, comb time. Dragging the comb sharply through little Foxy’s hair is a two-hour manic procedure. My white Maxwell Williams bowl filled with water, tissues and my trusty three rows of metal teeth. YES, I am going to admit this but a bizarre sense of satisfaction has taken hold as the black dot like eggs increase in the bowl. Finally, they are gone or at least I thought?
- Stage (6)-RELIEF-Exhausted I repeat the whole procedure on mine and all the other heads in the family including Sadie our puppy. Boiled bed sheets hanging them out in the sun to dry following all of the condescending advice I been given by the sprightly eighteen-year-old assistant and Mr Google. Eight hours of NIT antics… It’s over, I can breathe, I have WON!!
Furthermore, I bet Beyoncé Knowles has never has had to deal with this shite herself. I tell you what Ivy Blue’s head of hair would pose a huge challenge for the three rows of metal teeth to scrape through.!!…
Guess what???? ……..One week on they are back!!!!!!!!
About the Author
Kat is an Illustrator, entrepreneur, blogger, interior/
textile designer, visual arts teacher and above all mother to three crazies. In her whimsical humorous way, she explores all topics related to the many sides of motherhood and parenting little angels on her blog.