My heart keeps breaking….WTF?

Don’t fret I’m ok…I really am, but my heart does keep being broken.

WHY?

As a family we have recently packed up our lives and moved to the beach…Great isn’t it? BUT something was left behind…something very important to me…MY SON.

Gosh that’s terrible isn’t it…how can you forget one of your offspring?

No, it’s all-good.  He’s a ‘BABY ADULT’ meaning an 18 year old who has completed year 12 and is on the road to full independence. I love that term. The implication being that they start a full time job, buy a car and live independently…BUT they ask for money still, don’t know how to work a washing machine and the idea of planning and saving scares them shitless. OK, OK fair enough, he’s only starting his journey.

So why does my heart keep breaking?

Every time he comes to stay or I talk to him on the phone and then have to wave him goodbye I can feel my heart about to explode with tears… every time. I mean I gave birth to that boy and nurtured him. I was the one he ran to when he was scared, I mended his scraped knees and organised his life in general.

Don’t get me wrong I am sooo proud of him, how hard he works and all of that. Nonetheless I really feel a part of me is missing and I worry about him every day.

The irony and truth is that I hauled him through the teen years and I was so focused on preparing him for “freedom” and kicking him out the house, so I could finally have a spare room.  I never stopped to think that panic could well up inside of me and I would want to turn back time to that sweet little boy with the freckled chubby cheeks and bluest of eyes…

 

“But they are on loan only hey…. for us to form these amazing young people then let them go and have an amazing influence on the world!!” T Horner, friend and psychologist

I tell you what I now look at the remaining two monkeys and try to be in that moment with them, as you really don’t get a second chance.

So here’s to a wonderful future my BABY ADULT, don’t forget your old Mum, and please remember to wash behind your ears …

 

6 comments

  1. Cathy

    What a great post, Kat. I remember that cute, blue eyed boy in Year 1! Where does the time go? 🙂

    1. Kath Rattray

      I know its insane…hope you are well xxxx

  2. Jade

    Oh Kat I don’t read blogs at all + seen your post on insta thought I’d have a read , having a son turning 17 this year I’ve been starting to make a family /work balance as he has started saying I don’t want to go camping or dinner etc it’s like but …. I get it they grow up . Cherish every moment the good + the bad . Xxxxx
    It must be so hard for you + proud mama at the same time .

    1. Kath Rattray

      Thankyou..its a shock…a real shock how the grief creeps up!!But I’m one proud mama too as you will be to

  3. Deb

    Hey, I know how you feel, when my daughter and son left home, they was a huge void in my heart. Focus on the happy days nurturing into adults Knowing that they are happy doing what they love will make you happy
    From one mum to another mum

    1. Kath Rattray

      yes it’s hard…and I agree to focus on their happy future brings joy

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